Finding YOUR Voice
I’ve seen other birth workers simply instruct women to “do better” or “use your voice” but it is actually not that straight forward..
In a world where we are told from infancy not to speak up, not to cry, not to be loud, ignore our feelings, ignore our bodies own wisdom “finish your plate”, “you’re fine, that didn’t hurt” - how do we suddenly find our own voice as a pregnant woman and mother?
How we birth can certainly transform us into a powerful mother, or an uneasy and nervous mother, just as how we care for ourselves in postpartum may set up our picture of health for the next 40 years, both are determined by how much we take the lead in our birth and postpartum rites of passage.
But in a culture where doctors are the authority, the patriarch can remove our power in an instant and coercion threats, bullying, abuse, mistreatment and even violence is sadly commonplace in maternity care - how can we find a leg to stand on to truly speak on our own authority?
Firstly, finding a care provider you are comfortable with and who you feel is our equal is integral. You are paying them (yes even if you’re in the public system). It should never feel like they are the authority over you or your body/ birth/ decisions. you should be comfortable speaking with them about your wants and wishes and feel as though you can collaboratively make a plan for your birth. If not, perhaps you could find a better match (by the way it doesn’t matter how much you like them as a person, you really need to show the same values).
Second, practice! Practice using your voice and standing up for yourself. When you’re getting a massage and they ask how the pressure is - do you tell the truth? you are literally paying them to do a specific job, be it help you to relax or work on some pain points - if they aren’t on the right spot or the pressure is too hard to allow you to relax - do you have the guts to say something?
What about if you’re getting a hair cut and it isn’t quite right, are you more concerned with their feelings or your own satisfaction?
You’re getting a pedicure and they’re being rough, the colour isn’t right..
These are all great places you can start practicing speaking up for yourself knowing you’ve paid fair money for a service and you deserve to receive a job well done.
I will note it is absolutely and in no way our responsibility to stop obstetric coercion, abuse or violence and it is never a case of the birthing woman being at fault for not being able to speak up - each medical professional must take responsibility for their own actions and work towards being competently trauma informed and provide completely cohesive care. If you’re resonating with this blog you may also wish to look up attachment styles and information about your sympathetic responses. It is common to Fawn/ Appease (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease (or Fawn) in a threatening situations that we can not run from, or fight our way out of. When we have a Fawn response it can be hard to process why we didn’t speak up at the time. Please seek help if you feel as though you need to speak through this with a professional - I can provide recommendations of trauma counsellors if you wish.
The idea of learning to use our voice is to find our own power, take responsibility for our own shit, be able to voice our own wants, needs and opinions and have a say in our birth and postpartum.
Strong and confident mothers change the world and whilst we can’t control what happens in birth, we can prepare and know we have done everything within our power to have it our way. No matter the outcome, that will produce a bloody strong mother.
How will you practice using your voice to speak up for your wants and needs this week?
My name is Nikola, I’m a birth Doula and Photographer servicing parents in Perth’s NOR. If you feel called to connect with me you can email me on illuminatewithnikola@outlook.com or click on my ‘contact’ page.
With kindness,
Nikola